Perils of Over-Feeding

I have deliberated long and hard over this article - ever since you (I haven't got any) planted the bedding plants - and even before this. Why? Well, it's just that feeding is so important - Although not so important as it is to us. I mean, plants don't actually die if left for a while without food, not directly at least (if they do die, it is usually because they have been weakened and attacked by predators or disease). In fact, food shortage is not the real problem - TOO MUCH food is the problem.

Plants don't get fat, have a heart attack and keel over like we humans, nothing like that. No, it's altogether more clinical. Being too liberal with the feed bottle (as we seem to have been conditioned to become) burns the tender young root hairs, thus depriving the plant of water (and, ironically, food).

I must be honest, I am lucky in this respect (the feeding, not the honesty). Being, as I am, too stingy to buy the feed, I don't really have this over-feeding problem. And, additionally, for some reason I am conditioned to appreciate the perils involved (feeding a plant gives me the same feeling as putting my hand near a hot stove: I want to draw it back immediately; it feels like some mysterious force is controlling the process (that reminds me, the appointment with the psychiatrist is due any day now)). Nevertheless, I do appreciate the significance. Next to over-watering, over-feeding is the second most common sin - er, error.

So, how DO we feed?

Well, after carefully honing my skills over the years, I have produced the almost perfect technique - one which has given me excellent results, and will for you, as well, I am sure. If you can bear it, I shall be pleased to share this technique with you, right here and right now (What was that? 'About ***** time?').

Upon receiving a new plant, and after having given it a brief but thorough perusal, I ask myself one question: Is it green? If 'Yes', leave it alone - do nothing for now; if 'No', again do nothing. Simple.

In case you think I am being facetious - I am not. No, really. You don't understand. This IS how you do it. It took me
years to discover the secret. Honestly.